You mean I can no longer go to a High School prom?

So much for taking your mom to prom in Hamburg, PA.

My top 10 ways to get rid of Telemarketers, door-to-door salespeople, religious fanatics. and other annoying people

In this day and age of caller ID, do not call lists, and increasing urban gun ownership, one would thing you wouldn't need to worry much about Telemarketers and the various types of annoying people knocking on your door.

I remember growing up, when a Jehovah's witness or college student selling encyclopedia's came into the neighborhood, you could see them coming in plenty of time to pretend you weren't home. Even if you didn't see them coming, sometimes neighbors would call warning of the impending doorbell ring.

I guess I naturally have more tolerance for individuals going door-to-door for religious reasons than those doing likewise to sell crap or even worse calling. Why would anyone voluntarily take those jobs? Was Mc Donald's not hiring? Were they under-qualified to wait tables? Are they morally oppossed to allowing people to eat a meal with their family un-interrupted?

As an afront against these types of annoying, I hereby present my top 10 ways to get rid of them and ensure they never call/knock/ring again.


10. Telemarketers: ask for their full name and phone number, when they ask why, reply "to call you at home," when they say "I don't like being called at home" reply "me neither" and hang up.

9. When they ask for a person by name start crying and say they just died yesterday and proceed to go into a long story about their life and death.

8. Jehovah's witnesses: Ask them if they celebrate Halloween (they don't) then ask if it is because they don't like strange people dressed funny coming to their door.

7. If someone asks if you've "found Jesus" ask when the last time they saw Jesus before they lost him and offer to call the police to fill out a missing person's report.

6. When they ask how are you this evening go off on a 5 minute long tangent about how your dog ran away, your woman left you, your job/school sucks and anything else worth b*tching about in your life.

5. Look out the peephole anytime there is a knock on the door, if it's not Ed McMahon, someone with a huge check, someone you know, a cop, or the UPS guy, strip off all clothes, light a cigarette and answer the door naked with a huge grin.

4. Demand that all telemarketers start and end every sentence addressing you by your proper noble title such as: The ArchDuke of Porkville, Sir Maxamillian Fartsworthy, or His/Her Royal Highness King/Queen Mogodishu.

3. Offer to talk to religious fanatics about the glory of worshiping plants, animals, or alcoholic beverages.

2. Refuse to listen to anything religious fanatics say unless they'll join you in a game of strip poker and drink a beer.

and finally:

1. Don't answer the phone or the door and spend your entire evening spending time with friends and family... the people that really matter the most to you

Reggie Bush didn't deserve the Heisman

Let me first start this blog post by congratulating the 2005 National Champion Texas Longhorns and the man who DESERVED the Heisman: VINCE YOUNG!

Here are my top ten reasons why Reggie Bush didn't deserve to win the Heisman trophy:

10. His back-up, LenDale White, lead the nation in touchdowns this year and had 42 more rushing yards in the National Championship game.

9. His quarterback, Matt Leinart, won the Heisman trophy last year.

8. His team's #1 WR, Dwayne Jarrett, led the nation in receiving touchdowns this year.

7. Yes, Bush had 321 all pupose yards in the National Championship game, however 102 yards were on 5 kickoff returns where he only averaged 20.4 yards per return. A blind monkey should be able to average 20 yards per kick return in college. For reference, 3 other players returned kicks in this game and the only one with an average less than Bush's 20.4 was a linebacker who recovered a squib kick. Vince Young had 467 real yards (rushing and passing).

6. Vince Young (Texas' QB) had nearly 2.5 times as many rushing yards as Bush did (200:82)

5. Bush accounted for only 1 TD in the biggest game of his season... probably the biggest game of his career. Lendale White had 3 as did Vince Young, heck Selvin Young (90% of America says "who?") had as many rushing TD's as "Heisman boy."

4. His Offensive linemen averaged well over 300 lbs and he had two great fullbacks leading the way for him. A lot of the season, he didn't get touched until he was 4 yards down field. On many of his runs last night, Vince got hit for the first time in the backfield and still averaged over 10 yards per carry.

3. Vince Young picked the USC defense apart, much like he's done all season, never forcing passes, but firing bullets when required and picking up yardage at will with his feet. He was the 1st NCAA QB EVER to have over 1000 yards rushing and 2500 yards passing. Anyone who watched last nights game and doesn't now think Vince Young is the best QB in College football at least over the past 10 years is smoking some good crack.
3a. Big players show up big in big games; Reggie Bush showed up to this game like a 7th grader at his first school dance: he participated and was technically there, but mostly watched from the sidelines as the big studs (Young and LenDale White) made the moves.

2. He cost his team the game: follow me on this one; remember the great long run Bush had where as he was being tackled he tried to pitch the ball to his teammate (20 year old Freshman WR Brad Walker... I was 18 as a freshman... but I guess that's another story). Only problem was... Walker wasn't looking for it and Texas recovered. Instead of USC Ball 1st and 10 from the 20 going in, it became Texas Ball. Texas went down and kicked a field goal making the score 7-3. Had Bush held onto the ball like a player deserving of the Heisman would do, USC likely would have scored a TD since they had lots of momentum going. This would have put USC up 14-0 and severely demoralized Texas.

and finally:

1. Bush was on the sidelines when USC had the ball with a chance to run the clock out and win the game. If you truly are THE BEST player in college football, your team should be able to depend on you to end the game.

For all these reasons and many others, Reggie Bush did not deserve to win the Heisman. Fortunately Vince Young had the opportunity last night to show the world why the best player in the nation wears a BURNT ORANGE Jersey!