My top 10 ways to get rid of Telemarketers, door-to-door salespeople, religious fanatics. and other annoying people

In this day and age of caller ID, do not call lists, and increasing urban gun ownership, one would thing you wouldn't need to worry much about Telemarketers and the various types of annoying people knocking on your door.

I remember growing up, when a Jehovah's witness or college student selling encyclopedia's came into the neighborhood, you could see them coming in plenty of time to pretend you weren't home. Even if you didn't see them coming, sometimes neighbors would call warning of the impending doorbell ring.

I guess I naturally have more tolerance for individuals going door-to-door for religious reasons than those doing likewise to sell crap or even worse calling. Why would anyone voluntarily take those jobs? Was Mc Donald's not hiring? Were they under-qualified to wait tables? Are they morally oppossed to allowing people to eat a meal with their family un-interrupted?

As an afront against these types of annoying, I hereby present my top 10 ways to get rid of them and ensure they never call/knock/ring again.


10. Telemarketers: ask for their full name and phone number, when they ask why, reply "to call you at home," when they say "I don't like being called at home" reply "me neither" and hang up.

9. When they ask for a person by name start crying and say they just died yesterday and proceed to go into a long story about their life and death.

8. Jehovah's witnesses: Ask them if they celebrate Halloween (they don't) then ask if it is because they don't like strange people dressed funny coming to their door.

7. If someone asks if you've "found Jesus" ask when the last time they saw Jesus before they lost him and offer to call the police to fill out a missing person's report.

6. When they ask how are you this evening go off on a 5 minute long tangent about how your dog ran away, your woman left you, your job/school sucks and anything else worth b*tching about in your life.

5. Look out the peephole anytime there is a knock on the door, if it's not Ed McMahon, someone with a huge check, someone you know, a cop, or the UPS guy, strip off all clothes, light a cigarette and answer the door naked with a huge grin.

4. Demand that all telemarketers start and end every sentence addressing you by your proper noble title such as: The ArchDuke of Porkville, Sir Maxamillian Fartsworthy, or His/Her Royal Highness King/Queen Mogodishu.

3. Offer to talk to religious fanatics about the glory of worshiping plants, animals, or alcoholic beverages.

2. Refuse to listen to anything religious fanatics say unless they'll join you in a game of strip poker and drink a beer.

and finally:

1. Don't answer the phone or the door and spend your entire evening spending time with friends and family... the people that really matter the most to you