The ALL-NERD Football team

OK, so I was really bored in class today because we had a lecture cancelled.

My new Idea:The all nerd team.

What famous intelligent people would you love to see playing football, what position would they play and why?
Some of my choices are as follows:

QB- Bobby Fischer- controlled the board and told his pawns where to go.
MLB- Confucius- Confucius say receiver who cross middle wake up with pounding head and no balls
Flanker- DaVinci- They guy drew a helicopter hundreds of years before they were invented, you think he couldn't find a way to get open?
FB- Einstein- E=mc^2 baby and this M has a huge C
RB- Heisenberg- how can you tackle a guy when you don't know where he is?
Coach- Stephen Hawking- physical impairments preclude him fron playing, but this is a mind too good to leave off the team
Punt returner- Marie Curie- clearly defined halo
Strong Safety- MacGyver- direct the entire defense and can patch holes in defense with chewing gum and a toothpick
CB- Mr. T- I pity da foo that tries to go deep on this underrated genius
Kicker- Sir Isaac Newton- Can calculate the angle and projection of any kick in seconds
Punter- Bill Gates- 5'2 120 lbs of nerdy caucasian just screams punter to me
OLB- Aristotle- knows what the offense is doing even before they do
DE- Galileo- uses the stars to determine the quickest route to the QB.

Today's sign the Packers have given up on this season and are just hoping to draft Reggie Bush next spring...

The Packers signed free agent WR TACO WALLACE.

When you sign a guy named Taco to your roster and its not part of a publicity stunt or part of a marketing deal with Taco Bell, Taco John's, or Bravo Burrito you know your season is in trouble.


Let's take a quick glance at the Packers' injuries this year: #1 WR Javon Walker out for the year with torn ACL, #3 WR Robert Ferguson out a week or more with a sprained LCL #4 WR Terrence Murphy is out for the year with a neck injury. This leaves the Packers with #2 WR Donald Driver, #5 WR Antonio Chatman (5'9), and Taco Wallace catching Favre's passes.

#1 TE Bubba Franks is coming off of a strained MCL.

#1 RB Ahman Green is done for the year with a torn ACL, #2 RB Najeh Davenport is done for the year with a broken ankle. This leaves #3 RB Tony Fisher, who has 727 yards rushing total in 4 years with the Packers, as the starter.

The Packers intelligently decided not to make any effort to retain their two All-pro Guards, Franco Rivera and Mike Wahle, so we now have 7th round draft pick rookie Will Whittaker at RG and Adrian Klemm at LG who had 10 career starts in 5 years coming into this year.

Center Mike Flanagan is still recovering from hernia surgery and Tackles Mark Tauscher and Chad Clifton are nursing ankle injuries.

Basically the only un-injured Packer regular starter is 36 year old Brett Favre who spends half of each game running for his life and the other half learning the names of the guys around him.


Hopefully Favre comes back next year to take advantage of the Packers' struggles this year earning them the chance to draft Reggie Bush and maybe even having a full receiving corps to go with it!

Who woulda thunk it?

Sheryl Swoopes, 3 time WNBA MVP,... yes even leagues that no one watches have MVPs announced that she is gay.

Wow, didn't see that one coming! Next thing you know there might even be an openly gay female golfer on the LPGA (another league that no one watches).

Lemme get this straight...no pun intended... a very athletic woman who looks more like a guy than a lot of guys I know who isn't married at 34 is gay....

What's next Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen Degeneres, Richard Simmons, Sigfried and Roy, George Michael, and Male figure skaterscoming out of the closet in droves?

... what do you mean that already happened... Rosie O'Donnel and Ellen are both gay... Sigfried and Roy too? I never saw that coming (go to the mirror and make a sarcastic face).

Why is this such a big deal? Why does everyone act surprised when this happens?

Its like being surprised when you learn that Big Macs are high in fat.

Please keep your pigs strapped in for the duration of the drive...

From the only in Iowa section:

Traffic is back to normal on Interstate 35 in central Iowa near Cumming after a some pigs jumped out of the back of a moving pickup truck and caused a crash.

Hey, it's monday morning in rural Iowa and I need to go to the big city to get some supplies, but I don't want to leave my pigs home alone... got it! I'll put them into the back of my pick-up truck!

By the way, this is the front page news story on a Des Moines news website.

No really your Honor, I want more jail time.... if it's ok with you

Some guy in Oklahoma city recently asked for a longer prison sentence so that he could serve 33 years, the number that Larry Bird wore when he played for the Celtics.


The story goes that the guy was convicted of shooting with an intent to kill and robbery and sentenced to 30 years in jail, but wanted to add 3 more as a tribute to Bird.

This is an extreme sports fan who may have gone a bit too far. If I'm Larry Bird, I'm probably a bit weirded out by this, but glad that by the time this guy gets out I'd be 81, potentially dead, and definitely beyond normal stalking vitcim age parameters.

I think we're a wee bit too obsessed with celebrities and athletes. Ever since someone sold Britney Spears' gum on E-bay I've had this gut feeling.

Yes, Larry bird was a great basketball player and he was the great white hope even if he resented being defended by by white guys. However is your infatuation with him really worth 3 more years of your life? I kinds doubt it.

Now Brett Favre on the other hand would be someone worth honoring with jail time... thank God he's only number 4!

Medicaid gave me my erection back

Some US Representatives are working to end a program where in Mediacaid pays for VIAGRA and other impotence drugs for medicaid recipients.

Who started this policy anyway? How did this discussion start?


I envision a bunch of lawmakers sitting around schmooozing over an overpriced taxpayer-paid for lunch talking about great ways to spend more money.

Senator 1: We could use it to give our troops bulletproof vests so they can be a bit safer while serving our country.

Senator 2: I like it, but I think we shouldwork on devoting money to cure cancer, that would save more lives in the long run.

Senator 3: Those are both good ideas, but I really think we need to make sure poor people can still get a boner even if their impotence was induced by overuse of cocaine ("almost 100% of men who use cocaine regularly are impotent!). Why save lives when we can help people who already can't afford to support their families have more kids they can't afford that we can pay for in the long run?


I'd love to rant more on this lovely waste of taxpayer funds, but I have a cardiology exam tomorrow to study for.


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Things I have learned since moving to Des Moines

Thanks Zach for inspiring this entry

In Des Moines (or Iowa for that matter)
1. It is perfectly fine to stop at the end of an on-ramp.
2. Just because someone has a car doesn't mean they know how to operate it.
3. God forgot Iowa about 78% of the way through the evolutionary process (they got to opposable thumbs but using tools still evades them)
4. You can buy beer at Grocery stores and some drug stores... nothing goes with Percocet like Busch light.
5. Convicted pedophiles cannot live in the city limits but murderers can.
6. The Governor runs by my apartment everyday... very slowly.
7. I can run faster than the Governor and have passed him more than once while running.
8. The Governor does not like to talk politics, baseball, weather, economics, nor fashion trends while he is running.
9. Corn-fed does mean bigger.
10. 2 inches of snow is enough to cancel every school in a 50 mile radius except for mine.

Pedophile go home...

Des Moines along with other surrounding cities are taking advantage of a new law that allows them to prohibit convicted sex offenders from living within 2000 feet (just under half a mile) from schools, daycares, parks, pools and other places kids frequent.

Not everyone is happy with this law, some sex offenders feel that they are being un-fairly targeted and that they're left with no where to live except for the undesirable parts of town.

I guess I would agree, living where convicted sex offenders live is a place I would consider undesirable!

I think this is one of the greatest laws ever, and I am ecstatic that somewhere around 90% of residential Des Moines is off limits for sex offenders to live. I'd be in favor of banning them from living in the other 10% of Des Moines too!

Now the suburbs are having to follow suit to prevent becoming a Pedophile haven. Hopefully eventually the sick buggers will be banned from all of Iowa and every other state in the US!

As for the pedophiles who feel that they are "un-fairly targeted," I have this to say: "Were your victims fairly targeted you sicko?" You molested/raped/propositioned/did something else sick and disgusting of a sexual nature to another human being who did nothing to warrant it and all of the sudden you're the victim? Give me a break.

Go live in the crappy part of town and think about what you've done. Maybe now that we're actually punishing criminals they'll think twice about doing it again.

Naming a Panda

You may or may not have noticed it, but yesterday a Panda was named at the Washington Zoo and it got national media attention.

Several scientists, zoologists, and dignitaries were flown in from China for the event. The cheapest I can find for a flight from China is about $2,000 dollars. This doesn't include the amount of money spent to wine and dine and host these Panda experts.

The zoo is part of the Smithsonian Institute which means our tax dollars pay for it. Congratulations those of you with jobs, your entire federal income taxes for this year (roughly 15-30% of your income or the amount of money you "earned" from Jan. 1 to early March) went to bring some Chinese dude to DC so he could be there when a frickin baby Panda was named, not even born, but named.

...and we wonder why taxes are so damn high. Instead of spending all of our resources to house and feed starving people in our own country or to build more fuel efficient vehicles, we're making sure China is properly represented at the naming of a baby bear that will spend all its days lumbering about chewing on bamboo shoots and if we're "lucky" will someday mate with its own 2nd cousin and have a baby panda that we can fly more flippin foreign dignitaries over to name.

I think I'm gonna buy a Chihuahua and bill the government for airfare when I fly in 32 Mexicans for Pedro's naming.

The Love Boat will not be making another tour

I was looking online the other day and saw a list of the Vikings players on the so-called "Love boat" or adultery boat depending on your take.

The list included Daunte Culpepper, Koren Robinson, Mewelde Moore, Bryant McKinnie, Jermaine Wiggins, Darren Sharper, Fred Smoot, Kevin Williams, Moe Williams, Ralph Brown, Nate Burleson, Troy Williamson, Travis Taylor. I noticed that there were no white guys amongst the accused. Basically the entire offensive huddle with the exception of the white guys were there.

This means one of two things:
1. There is huge team chemistry issue here since the caucasians weren't invited or
2. The white guys knew better.

Either way it spells trouble for the Vikes. Having over half of your teams starters (not including kickers) dumb enough to take part in something like this or not including the whiteys is bad.

I predict the Vikings only win 2 more games the rest of the season and finish at 3-13.

Go Packers.